Jumping in Puddles

I realized today the importance and symbolism of jumping in rain puddles. In little ways, for the last two years, I've been allowing the "mess" of a "puddle" because I'm the mother of a little boy. I didn't jump into the adventure of raising a boy well prepared....just prepared enough. When I was pregnant, I often wondered what kind of mother I would be to a little boy, having been raised in a family of all girls. Not only the fact that I lacked exposure to boy stuff, I also worried about my own personality, which could be described as type A: organized, perfectionist, neat freak, and a just a little intense. I worried about worrying over all predicaments little boys get themselves into, not to mention the multiple injuries that can be collected on a boy's body.

However, I determined that, no matter what, I would let my little boy be a little boy. If it totally stressed me out and worried me sick, well, then God would just have to grow me up in that area. I was NOT going to compromise his masculinity to make myself feel at ease. And looking back on these two years with Ethan, I see how God has been gently giving me the grace to lighten up and let go. First, he matched me with a man who is as laid back as they come; so far off the type A chart, I don't even know if there is a chart to describe what type he is. I do know that nothing stresses him and he doesn't show any anxiety even if he is under tremendous pressure. He is gentle and gracious, loving and kind and never impatient. So, before I had Ethan, I had two years to learn to "go with the flow" or come completely unraveled trying to stress out for both of us. God also placed me in a country where nothing happens in an orderly, efficient way. My desire to daily be productive was out the window in very short order (no pun intended). I soon realized that a productive day in Israel meant getting ONE thing done. One errand, one phone call, one of something, but not a bit more! So the combination of adjusting to a laid back culture and two years of a marriage to a laid back guy gave me the perfect preparation for being the mother of a son.

Sometimes it's a conscious decision to let Ethan "destroy" something. I often stop and ask myself, "Is it really that important for him to not climb on....?" "What is the difference between picking up toys and picking up my clothes that he has emptied from the drawers?" "If I want him to be safely near me in the kitchen, then I have to let him empty some cabinets and 'mop' the floor with my dish towels." The good news is that little kids are washable. And I'm happy that Ethan is starting to enjoy helping me pick up and clean but I wouldn't trade that for his natural instinct to make a mess and explore every aspect of his environment.

Today we put on our rain boots, ran outside and laughed and giggled in the rain puddles. There isn't a sound in the world better than that of a child's sheer delight. What did it cost me? Only some time and some wet clothes. What did I gain? JOY....and a very happy, wet, muddy, cute-as-could-be two year old. Priceless.

Family Fun Friday

I think I'll create a whole pictures album of our fun family excursions on Fridays. Well, that is, if I can remember to take pictures! Our morning started by stopping at Geri's auto shop for some free coffee from his new machine in the customer waiting area. We were excited to meet an allergist there since I've been needing to get Ethan's rashes checked out. My enthusiasm died when we saw him taking a smoking break outside. Allergist/ smoker....hmmm.... I think not! Another customer asked how long David and I had been married because we looked so much alike. Now, that's a first! This country never ceases to amuse me! I explained to Geri that we had to head on out because it was family day. He told me, "No, Geri gets David on Friday. You can have him on Saturday!" Hahha

We had planned to take Ethan to a huge covered mini carnival that I discovered a week ago while going to a horse show with my friend, Sue. It was closed on Friday but open on Sat. so we decided to come back at a later date. This is so typical. The plans we make falling through because of random "store hours." Nearby is a really nice, "almost like America " grocery store. I'm ashamed to say that we got much amusement out of discovering all the new products they now have after being gone from Israel for a year. We found Captain Crunch Red Berries cereal, wasabi flavored sesame seeds, and some sort of yummy potato cakes--Ethan loved the free samples so of course we bought them. So we spent our precious family time wondering around a grocery store! Then we went home for naps. We are a family that LOVES naptime!

After a long rest, we headed back out, this time going to the Technion's main campus up on Mt. Carmel to their indoor pool. Ethan loves swimming but he isn't the least bit scared of the water and wants to escape my grasp the whole time. I would occasionally let him wiggle free and go under water. He would just come up laughing, wanting more! He's pretty good at holding his breath but sometimes forgets in the excitement of the moment! The water temperature was perfect for lap swimming but Ethan and I got cold pretty fast so our fun didn't last very long. I think I'll try to get a family pass and take him more often--with his floating raft! It totally wore me out trying to hold on to him. In fact, I have sore muscles today from all the water wrestling I had to do with him!

We spent the evening eating leftover turkey pot pie with our neighbor and classmate, Greg, and freshly baked caramel chocolate pecan popcorn. I'm enjoying our fake fireplace and our little trees. I'm especially enjoying putting Ethan to bed with no tears. I still stay in the room with him until he falls asleep but he is doing great staying in his bed all night! And, look at me, I'm blogging!

Zippori National Park

On Thursday, I took Stephanie and her mom, Debbie, to the Lower Galilee to visit the ancient town of Zippori....now a beautifully preserved archeological site. They were wanting to gather some information and do a little research for Steph's sister who is writing a paper on the Jews that inhabited Zippori when it was occupied by the Romans. The drive there was so beautiful. I love all the agriculture in the North and love the rolling hills and just being out of the city. The view from the citadel in Zippori was so lovely. "Why is it called Zippori? Because it is perched on top of the mountain like a bird" (Babylonian Talmud, Megillah, 6a) Zippori was one spot where the Jews decided not to resist the occupying forces and submit to the rule the Romans, lively peacefully among them. There were numerous well preserved mosaics that I really appreciated and wished my artist Grandmother could have seen with me! The very first excavations took place in 1931 but they just recently (1994) uncovered the only remaining synagogue on the site. I always find it so amazing that much of the history in this Land is just now being uncovered. Makes you wonder what else lies beneath! I'm too tired tonight to give a full recap, so if you're curious... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zippori

I will say that I learned an important lesson, two year olds are not much fun at archeological sites! He wanted to run and climb everywhere that was "prohibited" and there was no time to read any marques or take the pictures I wanted! I did get a few that I'll add to my facebook page. Anyway, it was a special treat to go on such an interesting icursion. I wish that gas wasn't so expensive here ($6.50/gal) so that we could do A LOT more exploring!!! There is sooooo much to see and everything is so interesting.

Thursday night I decided to clean up the apt and get out Christmas decorations. I was so excited to decorate and put on Christmas music I streamed online and Christmas pjs and Santa hats....thinking Ethan would join in the merriment. Wrong. He liked unwrapping the ornaments for the miniature trees but then hated the arrangement of everything else. He was fussy and cranky the whole evening. I finally decided that he just hated Christmas. We took a break and dropped in at Steph's. She declared that Ethan was just Jewish at heart! But, when we got home, David arrived from a long day at school and Ethan was DELIGHTED to show him the trees and decorations. Next morning, he wanted the lights turned on first thing! There is hope after all.

There is so little to remind us of Christmas here. I get "December homesickness," wishing for time with our families and for Ethan to enjoy all the fun traditions we grew up with. I bought him an advent Calendar thinking it would be great since he loves "lift-the-flap" books. I had no idea that under each flap was a piece of chocolate. I'm pretty sure Ethan is allergic to something in chocolate because he gets a rash around his mouth whenever he eats too much. Needless to say, the Advent Calendar is now appearing in the form of little red bumps around his mouth!

Park Day...

Having a very active 2 year old, without a yard, makes parks a necessity! Today was a park day. After dropping David off at school, getting my nearly flat tire pumped up, and picking up shoes being repaired by a cobbler....Ethan was starting to lose hope that we were truly headed to a park. Oh, and we stopped at the East West -Balagan store....this store is a dream come true....everything I need for curry! I was VERY excited to find artichoke hearts, Jack Daniels bbq sauce, canned mango, sweetened condensed non-dairy something or other, and light corn syrup!!!!! YEAH! Now I can make popcorn balls, not with all those ingredients--with the corn syrup! :) I'll pretend like it's Christmastime here. I have hopes of putting up our little tree in the next couple of days. I had another reminder today of just how much attention Ethan and I get here for our fair skin. In the Asian store, I'm shopping away while Ethan is stacking coconut milk cans and I look over to see a worker taking a picture of him on his cell phone! I just had to smile to myself. They were in love and wanted to give him candy to keep him awhile! Okay, maybe I shouldn't try blogging at 2 am...brain is asleep. Earlier tomorrow. Stephanie and her mom are taking me and Ethan to see some ancient ruins tomorrow morning! Yipee!!!

Sleep Training Cont.

Ethan continues doing well putting himself to sleep for naps and bedtime. He is still waking one to two times in the night but is fine with me coming into his room and just "tucking" him back in. Last night he woke up crying with very itchy bug bites and I decided to just let him sleep with us. Probably a bad idea. We will see how tonight goes. I was just too tired to sit by his bed and talk him back to sleep after putting cream on his bites. The following is the commentary my dad e-mailed me from my first blog on the topic:

"Your physical (and joyful) presence in the final (successful) training was essential for two reason. 1) you stay relationally connected with him which is powerfully calming in itself and enables him to "remain himself" even when he feels sad or angry. Because the "bigger brain" he is lovingly attached to (yours) is right there and connected with him, he doesn't lose track of his true self (and end up in a melt-down.) That true self was created in your presence and was molded by what he saw in your (hundreds and hundreds) of reactions to him from day one. So he doesn't "lose himself" as easily when you're there. 2) As you stay calm, loving and firm in your directions to him while also synchronizing with his emotions you are literally "walking him out" of his distressed state to one that matches your feelings of peaceful, loving and secure connection. That's what we call "joy" in our shorthand. And you are helping him travel his own "return to joy" path in this new context of sleeping alone. There is detailed brain science (physiology) behind all this that has been unpacked over the last 10 years. The psychology research which applied attachment theory to "real life" goes back a little farther. What's exciting is the growing understanding of how the two fields relate to each other."

Now I'm trying the same "stay connected and happy" techniques to training Ethan to not crawl all over me and fuss while I'm talking on the phone and working on the computer! That will be my next "parent and child in training" blog.

On another topic....last night Stephanie's parents took us out for sushi in Caesarea. It's our favorite sushi joint in Israel. Not uncommon in Israel, this nice restaurant is attached to a gas station. It's a bit shocking to walk into a nicely decorated sit down restaurant right next to a stop and shop gas station. Just another example of Israeli's quirkiness! Anyway, we had such a nice time with them. It's so neat to meet our friends' families as this all gives us a better picture of "where we came from." I've always been fascinated by the unique "culture" of each family. And speaking of culture, I've had a growing realization that anthropology is an area of study that I have significant interest in. I don't know why I hadn't pursued this in my college years since I've always known I LOVE people. Now, my years living overseas is increasing that desire to study different people groups.

For right now, the topic of study at hand... HEBREW! I'm now frequently getting the line, "You've lived here for 2 years and you still don't speak Hebrew." Yes, I'm feeling ashamed of my pitiful efforts and I'm kicking into high gear now with the help of Rosetta Stone! The straw that broke this camel's back was the HUGE misunderstanding I had with the local grocer about ordering Thanksgiving turkeys. To make a long story short, she mixed up Tuesday and Thursday, ordered the birds for the wrong day, sold one bird when I didn't retrieve it, and then couldn't find another bird in all of Israel! I need to learn Hebrew. period.

Sleep Training

Adaptable, flexible and easy-going were words I commonly used to describe Ethan during his first two years of life. "Routine" was not found in our vocabulary and very little about Ethan's experiences have been "normal" or "routine" starting from his entry into the world in Israel to boarding well over 50 flights in his first year and half of life.

David and I knew that children would change our lives but we also believed that our children would adapt to our lives if we allowed them to. I knew that there would be times we would visit friends till late at night and our children would flex with that. I wasn't going to rush home at 7pm to keep them on a schedule. Of course, for events that wouldn't be best for them to attend, I would need a babysitter. Yes, we would make changes for our kids that would be best for them, but they would also learn to "go with the flow."

Well, Ethan was God's grace to us. He is the most "go with the flow" little guy you'll ever meet so he makes our philosophy look reasonable and confirms our desires. When I had Ethan, I had no idea we would move to Boston when he was 7 months old, move back to Israel for one month when he was 10 months old, and then move again to the states at 11 months old, finally settling in Boston after his first birthday. If I recount all our visits to grandparents, friends and all the moving...it adds up to a lot of different sleeping arrangements.

The first few months of life, he shared the bed with us and then he moved to a pack and play in our room. At about 6 months old he moved to his crib in a room next to ours. But in Boston, he was back in a pack 'n play in an adjoining room and then in our second move to Boston, back in the same room with us. Through all of this, I never noticed any particular sleep patterns because most of that time I was still nursing him and still waking through the night to nurse. After I weaned him at 15 months, he was content to sleep in his crib in the same room with us, occasionally stirring and fussing but quickly quieting as soon as I said, "It's okay, Mommy is right here." I should insert here, that I have not been a proponent of the "cry-it-out method" or any sort of sleep training that teaches an infant to work out their anxiety themselves away from Mommy. I just instinctively feel it is unnatural and quite frankly, hurts my heart.

When we moved back to Israel this fall, he was 19 months old and about to have his very own room! I knew he needed a transition time since he had spent 9 months in the same room with us. I started by sleeping with him in the guest bed in his room. Then I decided to try letting him sleep in his crib with David and I still sleeping in the same room with him. Next, we moved out. But at the same time, I took his pacifier away....not thinking through all the ramifications! A month into this "new" arrangement, I found myself waking multiple times through the night to comfort him back to sleep. Sometimes he would stay in his "crib" (we had transformed into a toddler bed by removing the side and putting up a board with a cut out for him to exit) crying and waiting for me to come get him. Other times, he would crawl out of his bed and just climb in bed with us.

David and I both had been allowed to climb into our parents' beds as children so we reasoned this was a good arrangement and really wanted the same level of comfort for Ethan. But it was only a matter of weeks before he seemed to be waking more and more and I was getting less and less sleep trying to get him to stay in his own bed. I didn't want his bed to be punishment and I didn't want to discipline him to make him stay there. I wanted his bed to be his safe, snuggle-e resting place. Instead, Mommy and Daddy's bed was the place to be! Even in our bed, he was still very restless, sleeping sideways between our head and kicking his feet! I began regretting lowering his bed so he could crawl out but I didn't see how it could be avoided since he could fall out trying to climb over the crib railing. I was re-thinking my "crawling in bed with mommy philosophy," too, but disappointed that I couldn't give him that comfort.

Parenting is a self-discovery and growing experience and one that doesn't have to end when your children leave the nest. I called my dad who had recently been studying child psychology and development, specifically the healthy emotional attachment small children need to become healthy adults. A couple good books ( Handbook to Joy-Filled Parenting by Barbara Moon and Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel) had triggered this exploration for my dad and we had enjoyed discussing what makes children secure and happy, Ethan being a good case study of a joy-filled little guy. For all the changes Ethan has endured, I have provided him with one source of stability....ME! He has had me with him through every new experience, every minute of the day. He and I learned and explored our new environments and experiences together and this, I believe, has kept him very happy and secure through all the changes.

My dad encouraged me to use the healthy bond I have with Ethan to help train him that his bed was a great place to rest. In our conversation the light bulb went on and I realized all the ways I was being inconsistent with him and my own insecurities and indecisiveness in the whole issue. I realized that even through I loved crawling in bed with my parents, I never really learned to be secure by myself and still hate being alone at night as an adult. I don't want Ethan to be "handicapped" in that way. I want him to be able to soothe himself to sleep and rest secure in the Lord's protection. Funny that the same parent that had trained me to NOT sleep well in my bed was now helping me train my son TO sleep well. Thank God I have parents that are willing to continue learning and growing so they can help me now that I'm a parent! It is my job to see that Ethan's environment is safe and to train him to sleep in that secure place. I also realized that I was comforting him in multiple ways but not doing anything consistently. Sometimes I was holding him, sometimes letting him fall back asleep with us in our bed, sometimes trying to comfort him in his bed. And when I got frustrated in my tone, "Ethan, mommy is soooo tired, why can't you stay in your bed" that only amplified his distress. He needed to know there was only one option....his bed....but his bed with me near staying "happy to be with him" in my tone and body language. Not a fake emotion of happiness but truly letting him know that I am happy to be with him no matter what else I'm feeling. I can be feeling tired and frustrated and even angry....but I'm still happy to be with him.

Once my mind was made up that he was going to stay in his bed and that this was in fact the best for him, it was truly astonishing how quickly he adjusted. It was like he was waiting for me to stop being wishy-washy! In previous nights, if I tried to put him in his bed, he would start crying and climb up my arms trying to get me to hold him. When my dad suggested that I comfort him by patting his back and talking to him, I thought that Ethan would again try to climb into my arms. My dad said I might have to pry him away but to just be loving and firm, not slipping into frustration or anger. Two things break the bond that Ethan needs to feel secure, anger and isolation. My job was to stay connected to him--staying in the room with him instead of leaving and coming back. And it meant staying calm and "happy to be with you" in my emotions. It wouldn't work if I got cranky with him and left him alone to deal with it. I asked God for wisdom, grace, patience and began the training....

The following is the progress so far:
Night 1: I started in the evening telling Ethan that he was such a big boy now and he was going to sleep in his own bed tonight with Mommy sleeping on the couch in his room. We told Daddy, too, and he showed Ethan is was very impressed and proud of him by his tone of voice, "Wow, Ethan, that's great!" Instead of the usual rocking Ethan to sleep in my arms, I read him a story and then put him in his bed. (I decided that the soothing had to begin with the initial falling asleep and not just during the night. I also made this decision about his nap time.) I turned on a lullaby CD and then sat by his bed to rub his back. He protested a little but never broke down crying. He woke up fussing, but not crying, 2 times. Each time I turned back on the music and sat by his bed for a minute. He didn't trying to climb out but went straight back to sleep. He woke up several more times but I didn't have to get up, I just talked to him from the couch and he went staight back to sleep without any tears. I said, "Mommy is right here. I love you Ethan. It's time to go night night. Lie down and listen to the music, Mommy is right here." Next morning Daddy and Mommy made a big deal about Ethan staying in his own bed ALL NIGHT!

Night 2: Same routine, brush teeth, put on music, story and then put him in his bed. He didn't protest but woke up fussing 4 more times during the night. Each time I put back on the CD and told him some variation of the above sentence...Mommy is right here....
At one point he stood up and tried to climb out. I told him, "No, no Ethan. It's time to go night night. You have to stay in your bed, but Mommy is right here." He crawled back in and cried for a minute before falling back to sleep. Most of the time he would wake, I could comfort him back to sleep by just saying, "Mommy is right here."
I was SO SHOCKED that he wasn't testing me or breaking down crying. Yes, he was still waking multiple times, but he was okay with falling back asleep in his own bed. I could hardly believe that he wasn't begging me to hold him! Decisiveness and consistency goes a long ways....much further than I imagined!

Night 3: Can't remember if CD player broke on night 3 or 4 but in any case, the waking was much less this night and I didn't have to sit by his bed at all. I was able to comfort him back to sleep by just talking to him. This is REALLY WORKING!!!! Only one problem, my back started killing me from sleeping on the couch!

Night 4: Due to my backache, had to sleep in my own bed. I read to Ethan and sat by his bed while he stirred around and got comfortable but wasn't completely asleep. I told him that I had to finish cleaning up in the kitchen but I would be near if he needed anything. He never woke up during the night. SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE NIGHT!!!! WHOOOO---HOOOOO!!!!!!

Night 5 and 6: I continued the bedtime routine but also continued sleeping in my bed. He woke in the night and I went into his room and talked to him and rubbed his back but he was back asleep as soon as he heard my voice. A couple times, he quietly crawled out of his bed and came into our room. He was content to be put back in his bed and I rubbed his back. He doesn't cry or protest when I put him in his bed. He isn't crying when it's time for bed either. Well, except for the night he talked to his Aunt Boo on the phone and didn't want to go to bed but wanted to call everyone we knew!!! :)

In less than a week, Ethan is soothing himself to sleep--without fussing or tears---and happy with his cozy little bed. Mommy is happy to be getting good rest! Looking back, I would definitely start this whole process well before age 2 but this is just how it worked out with all the changes we went through this last year. I am more confident than ever that you can train a child to sleep by himself without resorting to "crying it out." Yes, it takes time and patience but an emotionally healthy child is well worth all the effort! This blog would be very boring to most, I wrote it mostly to remind myself.... :)